Maybe it is the result of having attending small, private schools from Kindergarten through a few years of college. There, you are in a setting with the same people year after year. A few additions and subtractions, yes, but for the most part, your core group is allowed to stay the same. I was incredibly blessed to have been surrounded by people that let me grow and blossom into my own person, with miniscule if any repercussions for how weird and wacky that person was becoming.
Even through the battlefield of middle and high school, I can't even recall a time when I was made to feel worthless or not cool enough for something.
I know without a doubt this is not because it didn't happen. No, I'm pretty sure it did. That's just how it goes.
BUT, I don't remember it.
Why? Because my group of friends, my "people" were so incredible and so comforting, that it didn't get a chance to take root in my memory. How blessed am I to be able to say that!
However, as an adult, a negative effect of my people has finally been revealed: I struggle to make friends. I spent so long in "the bubble," that once released, no, thrust out from it into reality, my skills in meaningful conversation, bonding, relationship creation are fairly stunted. Plus, having had such a ridiculously awesome posse (in high school, we called ourselves "The Junkyard Gang." Still wish we would have gotten t-shirts at some point!) has made for a world of difficulty filling those shoes. My standards for friends (not even "besties!" Just regular old pals) is high.
Which brings me to today.
I had a new friend over. We met at church, as I teach one of her boys in Sunday School, and another is in my older son's class. She brought her three boys, and they, along with my three Rascals all played outside, ate, played inside. 4 hours.
This morning, I was terrified.
She asked if she could help with getting lunch together, and I said yes. None of that, "oh, I can handle it all" She-Ra mentality here today. I set that desire to impress aside and said yes to her offer of help.
I said yes when she offered to stay here with two of my littles so I could run one child over to the elementary school to his IEP meeting.
I wasn't jealous as she nursed her little baby, neither of the baby I so desperately want another of nor of her ability to nurse, something I have never been able to do successfully.
I didn't get offended or feel threatened when she and my husband struck up a conversation of their mutual interest in exercising, something I have really tried to like many times, but have yet to catch the bug.
I didn't cringe as we talked about homeschooling, even though I have really struggled this year with it and am almost positive I won't do it next year.
I didn't censor myself.
I didn't feign knowledge of something I have no clue about just to be in the loop.
I didn't dress to impress or cover up my parenting holes, my insecurities, my "I haven't gotten to that" yets.
I wasn't jealous of her beauty, her personality, her confidence, her things or herself. (And two months or heck, two weeks ago, I'm not sure I couldn't have been)
I was just me.
I have finally (FINALLY) realized that I need to be this person, this being, this soul that I have been created as.
I must own my personality, my limitations, my successes, my triumphs.
I have made mistakes, I have done things wrong, I have experienced loss, heartache, depression, crippling anxiety, failures, bad grades, wishy-washy-ness, terrible boyfriends, credit card debts, rampant overspending, breastfeeding envy, anger towards my children, anger towards my lack of follow thru in school or career, anger over missed opportunities and lost chances, low self-esteem, poor eating habits, jealousy, lack of faith, impatience............ the list could continue.
But, I am also compassionate, strong-willed, honest, perseverant, kind, quirky, empathetic, a great listener, prayerful, faithful, determined, loving, creative, positive, intelligent, and loyal.
I realize I am worth knowing, worth talking to, worth getting to know.
Not me in 6 months, 2 years, or after another baby.
Not me ten years ago or even 2 years ago.
Me. Right now. Today. This minute.
I need to speak up with MY thoughts from MY mind and MY heart. I need to talk about MY interests, My dreams, My failures, MY goals.
And I need to let people in to do that.
No comments:
Post a Comment